Penned by a guest blogger. This is her very first blog post and it is extremely powerful and moving. Again, this is the unedited version that she wanted to be shared so all who choose to can experience her words in ‘full force’.
I have to first start by apologizing profusely. I am not a writer of any sort, although when I tell people my story they say I should write a book. But quite the contrary, a lady whom I may call friend found me in a slump of sorts, and suggested that I submit an entry to her blog in attempt to help with my revival. Whelp. Here I am, not a writer at all, doing none other than……..writing. So, to make a long story short, please bear with me. I will try to make this as painless as possible.
Well, I have to confess. When I was asked to write about what inspires me, I was stumped. I had been going through a depression of sorts. I probably still am. But at the time that I spoke to her, I had just had a conversation with a co-worker in which the highlight was smoking legal weed. Yup. I was telling him how I wished that I had some form of terminal cancer so that I could get the prescription. How I would carry a “QP” in my backpack and my paperwork and tell the cops where they could stick it…..yesss indeedy, this was one of those conversations. There was a fellow co-worker who suggested that I wished for high-blood pressure instead of the cancer. But when he met my eye, he saw something that made him squint. He said,” naahhhh. Don’t do that”, then he averted his stare. I thought nothing of it. Just a conversation, right? I did however notice that I had started drinking and smoking cigars more frequently, and I have been gaining back the weight that I lost. Feeling heavy and ugly and yet alone, I had been going back and forth in my head. “Should I do all of this work to keep the weight off? For what? I have been single for almost 15 years, almost as long as I have had my job, which I hate. I was in school, doing great, and that dream got deferred too, me having run out of money and opportunity. What am I living for? I have tried to do right, tried to be right, tried prayer, meditation, yoga, bathed in the river, ocean, and in mud, read the Bible, Koran, Torah, and been well versed in the I Ching, and still. Here I am. At square one. Is it worth it? What has this entire life been worth?”……. I would just sit on my couch and think and think and drink and smoke and eat and sit. “I know I can’t take my own life because that has consequences, but what if I got cancer?” Then suddenly I would feel better. Just the thought of me being terminally ill made me feel so happy. It just felt right. I felt lighter. Liberated. So free. Like death would be the best thing that could happen in my life. It would end all the problems and all the pain. Just easy. I mean, I really have nothing to live for. No children. No family of my own. I am nearing 40 years of age and have been on my own all my life. Alone. And I still am. Well, not really. The spirits are there, right? I’m joking. But, seriously. I am well beyond childbearing age, in my mind, and this is not at all how I thought my life would be or wanted it to be, yet, here I am. Just living to pay bills and to consume. But I have done all that I described earlier, so I would consider myself…..umm….spiritual. Surprised? I know. Me too. I would have thought that I would be floating on a mountain by now…..all the Ohms that I have chanted…smdh. But nope. I am just here on my couch just like so many people wondering if my life is even worth the effort. I mean, like I said, I have done all the spiritual things that I described so I know good and dammed well what I need to do. How to meditate to lift my energy levels and plant seed-thoughts to counter negative feelings…..yup. I know. I have consulted so many gurus that I have 30 different ways to move up the same street. So why the funk??
Well, what I can say is that over the years all the opening of chakras has enabled me a very keen sense of hearing and a deeper and more elaborate sense of what is going on around me. I have been able to experience many things. But one of the most important things that I have learned is that I am my own savior. At no point in this testimonial have you heard me blame anyone for any predicament that I have been in, or for my present state of depression. I haven’t done that because I know that I have the power inherent in me of the eternal poolspring of energy to which I owe my existence, and because of this I was born with everything I need to succeed. So why am I sitting on my couch rotting, you say? I heard you. Well, we learn all of these things, but when the “schlep” hits the fan, we want them to exist in a neutral space where everything is Zen. No. that is not how the ancestors intended for them to be used. It is precisely when you feel like death is a better option that meditation becomes your sword and shield. It is when you feel like your life is not worth fighting for that the movements and asana of yoga become the grace by which you are saved. But it is you who must become the plow in order for that to happen.
The Psalms do work to uplift the mood if prayed meaningfully and consistently. Most of the time, we are our own failure. We never give our lives a chance. We get so much in every step we take and we just forsake all and look at what we don’t have, because life doesn’t follow our “script”.
I told you that I have a keen sense of hearing, right? Well there is a voice in my head that talks to me in times that I am depressed. I would tell you what happened the last time I felt this way, but this is just a blog, not a book. Anywho, the voice, right? It’s a she. And she says to me, “Look at you. All that you have. All that you know and you just let it all go. Then you blame us for your problems. You just don’t get it, do you? Oh, you get it alright. You just don’t want to do the work. Ok. Just sit there. Eventually I will leave. And so will the rest of us. It is not your time, it is Gods time. You know this. You also know that you are being challenged to develop yourself. You have been told what you have come here to do. You have many people to help. It is okay to be tired. We understand that this life has been truly difficult for you, so we let you go. Drink and smoke. Do your thing. But don’t act like you don’t have what you need. There are so many things that you have learned. And you just sit. You to the river and then you come back home and sit. You know better. So we don’t even talk to you anymore about it. But at the end of the day, you only have yourself to blame and you know it. You sulk and brood and try to kill yourself. Don’t think that you will succeed. You will fail. Your life will be long and miserable. And the next time you come it will be worse. You know it is up to you. You have been given far more than many, yet you sit here and brood. Your own life is your only testimony and it is your best. Yet you throw away your magic tortoise and look in the mirror and make your mouth droop?”……….. Oh yes. This is what I heard.
A few days later, I had a conversation that was very similar with the person who invited me to do this entry for her blog. The conversation was similar, but not as admonishing. That is because she had been feeling similarly and did what she knew to deliver herself. And as a result she is renewed and strong and duly blessed. She was very inspirational to me. And that voice that I heard? She has been with me for a long time. These two have managed to inspire me to continue to fight for my life. To have a life and really live it. I have begun meditating again, and I have resolved to go back on my diet full force. I will buy a new juicer, as my old one died, and start with a juice fast. How do I feel? Pretty much the same. But I have resolved within myself not to give up on my life. To let my future success be my inspiration. And with the little energy that I have, I will fight for my life. To really and truly live and not just survive.
I would like to thank my ancestors for being with me, and never letting me go. It is because of you that I have been bent, but never broken. And I would like to thank you blog lady for really living your life without scripts or the limitations that come with them. Allowing yourself the leeway to make mistakes and move on, seizing triumph in your own personal struggle. Thank you for allowing your life to be an inspiration for me in living my own.
Lastly, I would like to thank you all for reading. Please, for the sake of this world, be your own inspiration. You already have all you need. We need you.
Peace, love and light be unto all of you from this day forth and forever more.